First Annual Asian Snack Review

Everyone's a winner

What if we kissed in the H Mart Snack Aisle

If you’ve never had the incantatory pleasure of browsing the H Mart snack aisle, you truly haven’t lived. From the delightful overwhelm of the hypergloss packaging to the anticipation of the beautiful snack within, it’s a treat for all the senses and every plane of existence. 

We have the technology

There is a breadth and depth of food engineering here that has yet to be matched by western producers. These abstractions of corn and wheat could be called frankensteinian, and indeed they assume shapes and contours that aren’t strictly found in nature. However, I find something beautiful in this. Their only priority is deliciousness, is pleasure. If this entails alchemizing a potato into something that more closely resembles a component of the International Space Station, then so be it. Abandon your pretensions of food purity and racist prejudices against MSG. Enjoy the weird riches this world can offer. These are the promises of the H Mart snack aisle. 

Winners only

What follows is less a review listicle and more a celebration. I combed through a vast number of Asian snacks (a task I undertook with relish) to arrive at this list of greatest hits. I hope they serve as guideposts in your own exploration of the snack aisle of your local Asian grocer. If you have suggestions for items I neglected, get in touch, as I plan to make this into a series. But for now, enjoy the first entrants into this hall of fame.  

---

Calbee Potato Chips - Seaweed and Salt Flavor 

These are the platonic ideal of potato chip. Delicate but with a shattering crunch, a gentle edge of umami (a word I will be overusing throughout this essay), and a subtle sweetness that perfectly balances the briny notes of seaweed. These are an approachable entry point into this realm for the uninitiated. And the potato mascot is so dapper.

Seventeen stars 

---

Babystar Wide Ramen Snack - Tonkotsu Flavor 

This is what you wish uncooked Top Ramen noodles would taste like. In many ways, this is an incredibly loud snack. The crunch is earsplitting. The flavor is LOUD, like wow. It’s intensely umami (umami count: 2) and toothsome. And the shape is just fun - you can tell it’s been extruded through the strangest die in the world. 

15/10 

---

O!Karto - Chili Chili Flavor

These win the award for Outstanding Achievement in Food Aerodynamics. What greets you is an angular blade of potato that looks as though it could be repurposed into a weapon or a tracheotomy tube. Its crunchiness yields immediately into the consistency of potato pulp, which sounds gory but is remarkable and delicious. The gentle hum of spice is not overwhelmed by sweetness, as can tend to be the case with spicy Asian snacks. 

Three thumbs up 

---

Chip Star - Ume Nori Flavor

Stunning packaging. A Pringles dupe dripping with sophistication. This elegant flavor combines herbaceous perilla, sour ume, and umami (umami count: 3) seaweed. The powder is applied in perfect uniformity. A study in grace. A choreography in chip. 

EGOT 

---

(Orion) Sun - Garlic Baguette Flavor 

If you’re thinking, “what the fuck,” I was like you once. Another dupe, this time for Sun Chips, the Orion version exceeds its twin in a number of ways. The flavor is divine. The texture, while less tender than a Sun Chip, has a substantial quality that is deeply satisfying. I could not stop eating them. Returning to the flavor: it is a sort of highly saturated caricature of garlic bread that is sweet with roasted garlic, buttery, and inexplicably bready. Inexplicable, that is, until learning that the ingredients include biscuit powder and rigoletto, a “wheat sponge powder” of mysterious origin. Bread on a chip? Groundbreaking. 

Simultaneous Winner of Best New Artist and Lifetime Achievement Award 

---

Turtle Chips - Sweet Corn Flavor

This is an unparalleled architectural marvel. A compact, indeed turtle-like shape conceals an absolutely bonkers surface area ratio. There are four (4) layers of corn here. What results is an incomparable crunch. It’s light as air but a true dom, texturally speaking. This, along with its subtle corn sweetness makes it impossible to stop from eating the entire bag.

NC-17 

---

Calbee Takoyaki Balls 

MSG is the third ingredient here, making this — say it with me — an umami (umami count: 4) extravaganza (extravaganza count: 1). Ethereally light, this is a cheese puff’s apotheosis. There are notes of Kewpie mayo, bonito, and nori - these aren’t at all fishy despite their seafood namesake. An absolute banger with another contender for Most Stunning Mascot. 

5.0 GPA